Sunday, November 21, 2004

5:30 am. about me.

i like to think of my life as a weird one.

my lucky number over the years has turned out to be 13. Everytime I turn, I see another permutation and combination of 13, I answered a random question during a few math club competitions right with it, my department's floor is there... as life rolls along, i wonder if i'm slated to be shined upon by a gift or hovered over with a curse. 13 is not lucky, it is an odd man out that carries a strange stigma with it.

i was never the smartest kid, but i was always the kid that could pull it all together and come out ahead in the end, always the one that made it during crunch time and say 'i can do it' and it happened. i'm hoping i'm that same person, because i've been looking at my last 2 and a half years of college and realizing that that dependable person i once was, not dependable like a friend, but dependable to myself is fading. i don't want that to happen, one of these days i'm really going to need to take a hard look at myself and fix things or i'm afraid i'll end up someone i'm not.

i've noticed that often in my life i've been faced with two options, suprise suprise. often there is the path that i think is more or less concrete. be it an easier piece for a piano recital, what to eat for dinner, or even the girl that i like that i know likes me. then there is the other path. it's not like the frost poem that paints of a picture of the road less traveled as one that is overgrown and difficult, i'm optimistic about it. i've always thought that the other side of the fence could be greener, and everytime i've based this assumption of something that i thought could become concrete but didn't show itself as such yet. the harder piece that would be in my mind a better concert performance, or the girl that i thought was prettier, possibly more fun, and could like me a lot more as showed a few signs.

i've never liked to resign myself to second best, but it's become apparent to me that striving for what you think is the best at a given time often does not end well. the reward is great, the risk is too high. i've never backed down from risk, but after things fall apart, after things don't work out the way they needed to in order to work, i can't settle back with what is concrete. what's there, feels like second best, what's there feels like a consolation prize for failure.

i've missed out on a lot of wonderful things in my life because of this. i've missed out on a lot of potentially amazing relationships because i've turned people away with a head scratching change from interest to disinterest. i'm always looking for that green pasture but really i'm just passing up the ones that i've already jumped the fence for and know are great.

it hadn't happened in months, i'm not suprised to faced with it again nor am i suprised that i've resumed my strange lack of sleep schedule along with my 'pseudo deep' analysis of myself. i don't know what's best for me anymore, i want the best but i'm missing out on everything. it'd be a lot easier if things would just work out when i want them to. i don't know if i should risk it this time.

the end.

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